Category Archives: Divorce

Your Ex? Who cares?!?

breaking-habits

You’re NOT ready to date if you CANNOT stop talking about your ex. I understand that if you have kids then you will always have contact with the ex….but you don’t have to mention or talk about the ex. I think we’ve evolved enough that we won’t assume the children just popped up out of nowhere.

With these statements in mind, I really wish people would take the time to heal before attempting to date. Go out with your friends, make new ones, but PLEASE do not ask out women who are Not looking for just friends then use them as a sounding board about your ex. This has happened to me more than once. I make it quite clear in person and in my profile what I’m looking for. Ignoring what I want is another example of disrespect.

I firmly believe that if one doesn’t take the time to reflect that it will only sabotage any new relationship. What often happens when people jump into something new right away is that you behave the same as you did in the last relationship….and you expect the new person to behave like the ex.

Example: The ex went out with their friends and you later find out that they cheated on you that same night in turn destroying your trust. You break up and you meet someone new. Someone new wants to go out with their friends but  you think if your girl/boyfriend goes out they will cheat. Why doesn’t your new relationship have to suffer for the mistakes your ex made?

Signs you’re NOT ready to Date:

  • All you talk about is your Ex. What he/she is doing, what they used to do, etc.
  • You’re in the process of a messy court battle – Divorce, Custody, etc.
  • You have pictures of you and your ex together still on your walls, bedroom, phone and Facebook. I get that if you have kids you may want to save the pictures for them. I don’t think it’s right to go to someone’s place for the first time and see lovey dovey pictures of my date and his ex. Same goes with wedding pictures on Facebook. If I add someone and their profile picture is a wedding shot…Umm No. ( It’s happened…)
  • You talk badly about your ex in front of your kids. This is an absolute NO NO even if you hate your ex 10 years later.
  • You send your ex nasty text messages and e-mails just to try and hurt them…and then tell people about it. This is Harrassment. The also includes writing horrible status messages about your ex. No one wants to read that drama, or any drama.
  • You drive by your ex’s place to see what they are doing or if someone else is there. This is Stalking and is Never acceptable.

To conclude I will say it’s ok to have momentary relapses of hate for the ex…but please, try to do it around friends or other people who understand your plight….or start a blog. :P

Comments always welcome and please share! Get the message out about moving on!

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Mr. History of Violence

When one first becomes single the thought of dating and finding someone new kind of puts you off. You spend time with your friends but after a while you start looking around. You notice that all your friends are paired up and start to think it might be nice to be paired up too. That being said, the person has to be pretty special for me to want to give up any of my independency.

The hard part of getting back “into the game” is figuring out the rules. You always want to put your best foot forward but from my experience not everyone has a best foot. This is where I learned that I should ask certain questions BEFORE I meet them. The question I should have asked with man I’m going to write about is, “Do you have a criminal record?”

This is significant because I was still going to college with “dreams” of becoming a correctional officer. I even had that information in my dating profile as I “thought” it might ward off people with criminal records and who used drugs. HA…quite the opposite. I learned quickly to take that information out as some people have sick cop/robber type fantasies.

———————-

I was single about 6 months and a man who had the traditional “bad boy” look to him kept sending me messages on the dating site. He would always compliment me and tell me that he would like to take me out. I kept declining until I found myself with some free time and decided on a whim to meet up with him.

We went out for wings and everything seemed fine. The conversation flowed fairly well until I got to the part about what I was taking in school. He got really quiet and I jokingly said, “You don’t have a criminal record, do you?”

Apparently he very much did! He had spent 3 years in a Youth facility for shooting a man when he was 14. He explained that a family member had been involved in some gang activity and was shot on their doorstep. He had picked up the weapon the shooter had dropped and shot at the shooter.

Wow…that was A LOT to take in. My mind was whirling all over the place and already trying to figure out my exit strategy.

We had continued to eat our wings and I tried to appear not to be phased by his confession. I tried to consider that it was something that happened 20 years ago when he was a Youth.

So I asked, “Do you have an adult record?”

Nonchalantly he says, “Oh, just a domestic about a year ago.”

Uhh…for those of you who don’t know “domestic” means Domestic Assault which means it was most likely against his ex. With further explanation from him I learned it very much was on his ex wife. Perfect. He tried to make the story sound in his favor (they always do) but I wasn’t buying it. Not one freakin’ word!

“Just a domestic” ….he obviously didn’t think that was a huge deal and thought it was acceptable to assault someone he supposedly cared about. Fuck That!

Needless to say, I wasn’t going to see this person again.

I gained some definite insight into what dating would be like for me. I realize dating in your 30′s that most people will have some baggage. A child or two, exes, whatever….but shooting someone and domestic assault? I can’t accept that nor would I put myself and my children in that position.

Questions and comments always welcome. :)

P.S.  - Those who know me, please don’t be alarmed. This happened approximately 2.5 years ago.

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2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 2,500 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 4 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Filed under Dating, Divorce, OKCupid, Online Dating

The Exes Factor

A few weeks ago I learned that my most recent ex (of 2.5 years ago and the father of my son) had broken up with his girlfriend. I learned this from my 4 year old son as I was giving him a bath one night. Just out of the blue, no probing….since I would normally care less.

A week later guess who appears on the dating site that I frequent. Yep, you guessed it. The ex. Ugh. Of course, since I’m not totally unfortunately looking, he views my profile. Perfect.  To my surprise and dread, I get this message from him:

Him: “Hey, you look really good in your pictures and I like what you wrote in your profile. No, I’m not stalking you, just saying.”

Me: “Thanks, blocking you now.”

Now the stalking comment came from when he texted me an hour before that about seeing my picture but didn’t click on it. I had told him I don’t care if he clicked on it because at least my profile was honest. I had viewed his and had a good laugh..especially at the part where he states he’s a good listener……..yeah, right. Anyways…

Exes are exes for a reason. When I told my friends about this they asked if I would get back together with him. WHAT? Do they not remember what kind of hell I went through when we split? To save writing a bunch of drama it was a resounding HELL NO!

I will admit that I did like that he thought I looked good. Who wouldn’t? But any good thoughts stop there. He is a good dad but was a horrible husband. He jumped right into a relationship(with someone Way younger) a month after we split and I’ve been pretty much single the whole time. I guess it’s hard to trust someone new when you’re too busy looking for red flags the last relationship raised.

Has anyone else had this happen before? If so, how did you handle it? Comments always welcome!

 

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Filed under Dating, Divorce, Love, OKCupid, Online Dating, POF, Single, Trust

Let’s Talk About Sex and Sluts

We all have that one friend who we think is a slut (women) or a stud (men). This usually means they have a lot more sex than the rest of us with a lot more people than what we would call normal. I bring this topic up because I have been faced with an issue when it comes to online dating and Sluts that I’m having trouble with.

Here is the scenario/issue:

I have a local acquaintance who is also actively meeting and dating people from online. We are both using the dating site Plenty of Fish. This means that all the local men on the site see us Both on there. My acquaintance has only been single for 6 months from a very long-term relationship. I would place her in the “fuck everything that moves” phase. She is quite open about how sexually active she has been, with who and whether or Not they used protection. Yes I know…Eww, right? Ugh.

I digress…..

The issue: Sometimes I go out dancing and this acquaintance comes with us. I have been standing beside her and a man will point at her then at myself with a look of recognition…..from the dating site. It’s happened more than once. I’m worried that these men will or do think I’m as EASY/SLUTTY as this woman is.

The Situation: One man who recognized us when we were out messaged us Both the next day. She then had this man over to her place that very night. Initially lied about having sex with him but couldn’t cover up the fact that she was upset that he wasn’t responding to her texts anymore. Meanwhile, he was actively sending me messages on POF and asking me out. I finally laid it out for him with this conversation. Changed name for privacy purposes.

Me: “You do know Sandra and I know each other right?”

Him: “Well yeah, she’s OK but I want to get to know you better, not her.”

Me: “You do know that Sandra and I talk too…right?”

Him: “I would think so.”

Me: “Knowing that, you do realize that she told me you two screwed at her place only 3 nights ago…right?”

Cue the crickets.

I suppose that’s two issues rolled into one. What do you do about being associated with slutty acquaintances  when you like the person but not what they do. Also, what to do about men who will screw any woman who will let them. I sure as HELL don’t want any part of that man/those men. As much as I would like to avoid them…it won’t always be laid out in front of me. (Pun intended…)

Comments, opinions, suggestions always welcome. :)

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I Think My Date Was Married

I recently had an amazing date with a man where I thought things might actually go somewhere. It was a first date but actually the second time meeting each other. The first was a quick hour long walk with coffee just to see if we could stand being around each other. He seemed guarded but still was able to participate in the conversation. We gave each other a hug when we went to leave.

It took a couple weeks to get together again due to work and family priorities. We planned to meet up after I was done work on a Saturday. We would text here and there and claimed he was shy about texting because he wasn’t sure when I was working/sleeping (I work night shifts half the time). I told him straight out that it didn’t matter since I would reply when I could and it wouldn’t wake me up if he sent one while I was sleeping.

We met a local restaurant, shared an appetizer and a couple drinks. He seemed a lot more at ease than he was the first time we met. We talked more in depth and laughed about silly things. In short, we got along quite well and I was having a good time. Leading up to that night I wasn’t really sure about him.

After the restaurant we decide to head over to Chapters. As we are almost to the front doors he says, “Wait a second, I have to do this.” He then pulls me into him for a super sweet and romantic kiss!?! I will have to say it felt like I was swept of my feet. There was people all around so it wasn’t like it was in some secret corner. I asked where that came from and he replied, “I just wanted to.” He smiled a sexy smile then continued into the book store and on with laughing and talking until the place closed.

We then headed over to a different restaurant to have another couple drinks. He ends up driving me home and we have another romantic goodnight kiss/kisses. I’m left in awe and thinking, WOW.

The next day I send a text after work saying, “I hope our late night didn’t throw off your whole day.” No response….at all. Hmm..

Two days go by and I send another, “It’s confirmed, you don’t have a attachment disorder. lol” …something we joked about since I had taken abnormal psychology in college and had met people with the disorder. No response, none, dead air. WTF?

Finally, after 6 days I send a message stating, “It appears you’re no longer interested. I really didn’t expect that. Have a good one.” No response. At this point I didn’t expect one but really…what the hell happened?

I will add this part. He’s in the military. Just moved to this area a few months ago, bought a house and has his son full time. I can understand if he’s busy but if he declares he has his phone on him 24/7 (as he knows I do too) then there is no reason why he can’t respond, interested or not. As I’ve stated in previous posts, I don’t usually date military men. If they get posted somewhere else I can’t go with them due to my children’s father being here. I figured that he should be here for at least 8 years…and my relationships don’t usually last that long anyway. (Laugh, it’s funny. ;) )

What guy is all romantic, engaging and sweeps a woman off her feet then falls off the face of the earth? After much thought…..a Married man. Now he did say he was separated for over a year….but now I’m wondering if he was just waiting for his wife to move to the area with him. Who really knows? At this point I don’t care anymore.

I took a few days to feel depressed about it because the man was really convincing. I thought I knew this game but apparently he found some new rules. I have deleted all his contact information so as not to be tempted to send any more messages.

As always, on to the next. :)

Comments, suggestions, epiphanies on this are always welcome…or if something similar has happened to you…let me know and/or share this post!

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Part 3 – That One Who Got Away

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a rebound when it comes to this man. Again.

I finally thought to ask him how long he has been single and how long he was with his last girlfriend. Single 3 weeks and was with her for 6 months. Ugh.

No question, I am the rebound. Why does this keep happening? I think I have an idea as to why and I’ll be addressing this in another post.

The main reason for this post is an update for people who were wondering about this guy….along with me. I’ve determined that (after two 12hr shifts of thinking) that I am indeed his rebound and that I refuse to be as such. I absolutely refuse to be a “temp” woman until he finds someone closer. This isn’t negative, it’s realistic…and kinda what happened before.

So, I’ve told him all this….since we aren’t dating. I’ve thrown all my shit out there for him to see.

On to the next…

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The One Who Got Away Just Contacted Me

I’m a bit of a basket case right now. In about an hour I am going to meet up with a man I met about a year and a half ago. We dated briefly until things got in the way that we couldn’t control.

I refer to this man as the one who got away. He is awesome in so many ways. We had so much fun together. Could always talk  or just hang out and say nothing. Although we only saw each other for about 2 months, he definitely had a profound effect on me and think about him from time to time.

Just last week I deleted his number from my phone because I figured there was no reason for me to have it. Last I heard…and this was back in June when I wished him a happy birthday through text message, that he was seeing someone. And why wouldn’t he be? He’s an amazing man!

He’s super handsome, has a great personality, dances, works out, has a great career in the trades, has a house, multiple vehicles and a beautiful daughter that he has most of the time. The bad part….he lives/d 45 minutes away. I originally shot him down because of the distance but he swore he came to my town often because of family. We would meet up when the kids were in school. Did lunches, and active things…he even took me to a private range where we taught me and let me shoot his handguns (all registered and licensed btw). I thought that was great since I went to school to become a correctional officer so it was something I needed to learn eventually.

I could gush about this man forever…

There was even one night where he decided he was going to come see me (it actually was his birthday weekend) and we were going to go dancing and have some drinks. We got a little tipsy and he stayed at my place. I will tell you without a doubt that we did Not have sex. Oh…I absolutely wanted to…but he said we should just cuddle. We did, and it was sweet….and the only man to ever suggest such a thing, especially with a bunch of drinks into him.

The summer came and the kids were out of school. The relationship hadn’t progressed enough that we wanted to let our kids meet…so seeing each other was difficult. We drifted apart and he started seeing someone closer distance wise. Although I wished it was me…I still wanted him to be happy.

This morning at 6:36am I wake up to see this text from a number with no name:

“Good morning!!! What’s up??”

Confused and with only one eye open, “Who is this?”

“Gah!!!!!!! haha it’s ______”

Holy shit…wtf, oh my god….so many things swirled around my head.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to go rollerblading today?”

……fuck yeah! I scream in my head. This is significant since I had tracked down a pair of blades for him but we never ended up going. I was to teach him how to do it. I asked if he was coming here and he said he absolutely would.

I’m freaking out..seriously.

That being said, I’m going to drill him. I’m going to find out absolutely what he’s up to…not that he ever really played any games with me that I know of. But as any woman would, I’m already over analyzing everything.

Stay tuned…

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Insanely Happy – A slightly Psychotic poem

Not quite sure when I wrote this poem but I’m guessing it was around 2004/05. I was going through my first divorce. I definitely must have been feeling some intense emotions when these words materialized as they did. It’s a bit unpolished and the timing is a little off. That being said, I give you:

Insanely Happy

I watch your funny face,
But your face doesn’t make me laugh,
You know what it is, and so do I,
It’s that knife stuck in your back.

Your blood makes me giggle,
As it trickles to the floor,
I believe that you are history,
A text of forgotten lore.

I do not smile often,
But this I will admit,
Deserves a smile, maybe more,
As you gush a little bit.

What is my murderous motive?
A believable last thought, I think,
Justice for me and no one else,
You’re too thoughtless to make a link.

They say pure joy and happiness,
Is thought to be very rare,
A sly smirk upon my face,
We’ve seen who likes a scare.

In conclusion, I have won,
I’ve truly solved this case,
I’ll see you in hell,
I watch your funny face.

Copyright The Woman Behind sofreespirit80

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Embracing Single Life – Drunk on Wednesday

One thing I’ve learned about being single for over two years is that the best way to live it is to embrace it. Some view being single as just horrible and that’s not socially acceptable. To be “normal” is to be with someone, perhaps married, and to have kids, etc.

You know what? Those people can blow it out their ass. Figuratively or literally if they so choose.

I’ve done the whole married and common-law thing. Twice. I’ve done the whole have a kid thing. Twice. You know what it got me in the end? Messed up issues when it comes to men, a whole crap load of debt, and the label of being a “single mom”. This label is scary in the it scares men away but also has potential to lure the wrong kind of men. Some men think that if the woman is a mom that she’s “easier” because she’s obviously had sex and desperate because no one wants a single mom.  Uhh…pardon me?

I digress.

I work full-time, own a house and I do have two kids. But I also have custody 50% of the time. This means that there are days when I have the day/night off and I can do whatever the hell I want. An example of this is that it’s Wednesday. I slept all day because I worked 12hrs last night. I’ve just finished washing my hair and about to straighten it. I’m going out tonight with a couple of co-workers and the plan is to have a few (a lot) drinks and perhaps visit the strip club across the street. (I work with all guys btw.) I done this many a time and we always have a Great time.

Now, I could sit at home tonight and surf Plenty of Fish or OkCupid. I could change up my profiles and hope a cute guy who lives close, isn’t drug addicted and has a job sends me a message….or….yeah, I think you get the picture here.

So, for those of you who want to wallow in your singleton status at home….I’ll be having a drink for you….and probably be “drunk as fuck” by 11pm.

Cheers!

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