Tag Archives: relationships

Your Ex? Who cares?!?

breaking-habits

You’re NOT ready to date if you CANNOT stop talking about your ex. I understand that if you have kids then you will always have contact with the ex….but you don’t have to mention or talk about the ex. I think we’ve evolved enough that we won’t assume the children just popped up out of nowhere.

With these statements in mind, I really wish people would take the time to heal before attempting to date. Go out with your friends, make new ones, but PLEASE do not ask out women who are Not looking for just friends then use them as a sounding board about your ex. This has happened to me more than once. I make it quite clear in person and in my profile what I’m looking for. Ignoring what I want is another example of disrespect.

I firmly believe that if one doesn’t take the time to reflect that it will only sabotage any new relationship. What often happens when people jump into something new right away is that you behave the same as you did in the last relationship….and you expect the new person to behave like the ex.

Example: The ex went out with their friends and you later find out that they cheated on you that same night in turn destroying your trust. You break up and you meet someone new. Someone new wants to go out with their friends but  you think if your girl/boyfriend goes out they will cheat. Why doesn’t your new relationship have to suffer for the mistakes your ex made?

Signs you’re NOT ready to Date:

  • All you talk about is your Ex. What he/she is doing, what they used to do, etc.
  • You’re in the process of a messy court battle – Divorce, Custody, etc.
  • You have pictures of you and your ex together still on your walls, bedroom, phone and Facebook. I get that if you have kids you may want to save the pictures for them. I don’t think it’s right to go to someone’s place for the first time and see lovey dovey pictures of my date and his ex. Same goes with wedding pictures on Facebook. If I add someone and their profile picture is a wedding shot…Umm No. ( It’s happened…)
  • You talk badly about your ex in front of your kids. This is an absolute NO NO even if you hate your ex 10 years later.
  • You send your ex nasty text messages and e-mails just to try and hurt them…and then tell people about it. This is Harrassment. The also includes writing horrible status messages about your ex. No one wants to read that drama, or any drama.
  • You drive by your ex’s place to see what they are doing or if someone else is there. This is Stalking and is Never acceptable.

To conclude I will say it’s ok to have momentary relapses of hate for the ex…but please, try to do it around friends or other people who understand your plight….or start a blog. :P

Comments always welcome and please share! Get the message out about moving on!

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My Day from Hell and a Date

To say the least the month of April can go back from whence it came. It has cost me a LOT of money. I’m going to give you a little bit of a run down of what has been going on.

It started with my car. At the start of April I got a tune up done on my car. A week later the transmission on my car decided it didn’t like going in reverse. As most car owners know, transmissions are super expensive to have fixed. I’ve constantly been fixing my car (like something new every month) so I drove my car while “strategically” parking for a week. I was able to get my hands on a new “New To Me” car….where I now have payments. Ugh. But, it runs and all major parts (that I’ve fixed in my old car) are now under warranty.

A couple Fridays ago the weather in Ontario was Very un-Spring-like. So much so that we had an ice storm. We are talking, school buses cancelled, accidents every where, downed tree branches from the weight of the ice and extensive power outages. Thankfully I was still able to take my kids to school because I am in town and they don’t require to be bused there. It was my day off and I had plans to get my stereo installed in my “new” car…got to have my tunes!

As I’m waiting on the install I’m texting and reading stuff on my phone when it jumps out SmashedHTCOneXof my hand. I’ve dropped it countless times before, even on the concrete floors at work, and it’s been fine. Not this time, not on This day. Smashed. Like little bits of glass coming out and potentially into my fingers or onto my face when I went to use it type Smashed. Perfect. 

Needless to say, after the install I had to get see about a new phone. $400 and an additional year to my contract later, I have my new phone…which is the same model as my old phone sans the smashed screen. It’s the HTC One X, it’s awesome and does everything, no need to go to something else!

One to the date planned for that same night. I had been talking to a guy for a little over a week. He asked to meet me on Friday so I planned to put my son to bed at my mother’s where I would pick him up in the morning. The man was newly single and I was wary of that. Mainly because a lot of newly single men (and sometimes women)  happen to only want to do One thing, as I’ve called it before the “fuck everything that moves” stage.

NachosetcWe met up at my favorite sports bar because I figured if it didn’t go well that at least I knew I would like the food and the drinks. We were there an hour and a half before we decided to leave. I know I wasn’t feeling it and guessing he didn’t either. Oh well.

We get outside and I noticed that I had left my headlights on. Yeah, you guessed it. My battery was dead. In my “new” car. The guy didn’t have booster cables. Now what freakin’ guy doesn’t have booster cables? WTF? The guy offers to drive me home. I accepted despite not really wanting him to know where I live.

At this point I’m shaking my head wondering what kind of unlucky dark cloud is following me that day. Really? REALLY?

I was able to get a hold of one of my Best guy friends who also has booster cables. He picked me up, boosted me and made sure I was able to get my car going and home. I’m very thankful for good friends! I was very happy when midnight came in hopes that my day from Hell was over!

To conclude about my date, he messaged me the next day and said he didn’t think he was ready for what I’m looking for. Well duh. That being said he added that he would “love to see me naked” and that we should “get a little too drunk one night.”

Umm, no. I’m good.

I haven’t spoken/texted him since and do not plan on it.

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“But…I Am a mom!”

I was recently reminded of something that happened to me last summer.

I had gone out dancing with my friend to a local bar (it’s That small of a town that we don’t have clubs) and was stopped by a man. He grabbed my hand and said to me:

“Wow, you look so much better in person!”

“Pardon me?” I replied.

“I recognize you from the dating website,” he said while he eyed me from head to toe. Kind of creeped me out at that point.

“Ok..?”

“I also want to tell you that you look too much like a mom in your pictures,” he says straight faced.

“But…I am a mom!” I replied and walk away.

At that moment my hair was down, I was wearing nice body hugging shirt and shorts as well a sexy pair of heels. Not something I wear every day but it’s fun to go out and look great. I don’t have to look like a mom ALL the time and I know this.

Later the man found me again, apologized and told me how awesome I looked. He tried to explain himself and as I was there to dance, I kind of only half listened at the time.

That fact that he commented about my pictures made me think a bit later. Now I don’t post pictures of my kids on the dating site but I do post pictures of myself in my normal clothes. My comfy American Eagle everything wear. I can write that I clean up nice but pictures speak louder than words, right?

I did end up posting a picture in my “evening wear.”

I hate to admit it but I think the guy was right about one thing. Not about me looking like a mom…but more because I Only looked like a mom. I tell people I have two personalities: Mom and Not So Mom. I guess I had show both!

That being said, I’m still single regardless. :P

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I’m feeling….

men-feelings

I want to talk about feelings today. A lot of women don’t have a problem talking about their feelings but when it comes to men….umm, no, not happening.

It’s to the point where when I do meet a man who does express their feelings I don’t actually believe him. It makes me feel overwhelmed because my brain doesn’t know how to process it all.

I’ll give an example. A while back I met a man who would compliment me constantly. I’m talking in person, through text message, etc …and it wasn’t just about my physical appearance. I had to ask him to stop. I didn’t know how to take it.

Now those aren’t necessarily feelings but what are was how this man reacted to everything. If something made him happy, sad or angry, he expressed it through his words…not all in his actions. This was a new one for me. After much thought I realized I LIKED it! There was SO much less for me to try to figure out and so much more for me to enjoy because of it.

Finally! A man who understood that I’m not freakin’ mind reader!

The sad part is that due life things didn’t work out with his man. No fault to either one of us. In turn I learned that this is a quality in a man that I would like. I realize that a man who can express his feelings is rare but there has GOT to be some more out there!

For anyone reading this…point me in the Right direction and I’ll be ALL over that!

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Mr. History of Violence

When one first becomes single the thought of dating and finding someone new kind of puts you off. You spend time with your friends but after a while you start looking around. You notice that all your friends are paired up and start to think it might be nice to be paired up too. That being said, the person has to be pretty special for me to want to give up any of my independency.

The hard part of getting back “into the game” is figuring out the rules. You always want to put your best foot forward but from my experience not everyone has a best foot. This is where I learned that I should ask certain questions BEFORE I meet them. The question I should have asked with man I’m going to write about is, “Do you have a criminal record?”

This is significant because I was still going to college with “dreams” of becoming a correctional officer. I even had that information in my dating profile as I “thought” it might ward off people with criminal records and who used drugs. HA…quite the opposite. I learned quickly to take that information out as some people have sick cop/robber type fantasies.

———————-

I was single about 6 months and a man who had the traditional “bad boy” look to him kept sending me messages on the dating site. He would always compliment me and tell me that he would like to take me out. I kept declining until I found myself with some free time and decided on a whim to meet up with him.

We went out for wings and everything seemed fine. The conversation flowed fairly well until I got to the part about what I was taking in school. He got really quiet and I jokingly said, “You don’t have a criminal record, do you?”

Apparently he very much did! He had spent 3 years in a Youth facility for shooting a man when he was 14. He explained that a family member had been involved in some gang activity and was shot on their doorstep. He had picked up the weapon the shooter had dropped and shot at the shooter.

Wow…that was A LOT to take in. My mind was whirling all over the place and already trying to figure out my exit strategy.

We had continued to eat our wings and I tried to appear not to be phased by his confession. I tried to consider that it was something that happened 20 years ago when he was a Youth.

So I asked, “Do you have an adult record?”

Nonchalantly he says, “Oh, just a domestic about a year ago.”

Uhh…for those of you who don’t know “domestic” means Domestic Assault which means it was most likely against his ex. With further explanation from him I learned it very much was on his ex wife. Perfect. He tried to make the story sound in his favor (they always do) but I wasn’t buying it. Not one freakin’ word!

“Just a domestic” ….he obviously didn’t think that was a huge deal and thought it was acceptable to assault someone he supposedly cared about. Fuck That!

Needless to say, I wasn’t going to see this person again.

I gained some definite insight into what dating would be like for me. I realize dating in your 30′s that most people will have some baggage. A child or two, exes, whatever….but shooting someone and domestic assault? I can’t accept that nor would I put myself and my children in that position.

Questions and comments always welcome. :)

P.S.  - Those who know me, please don’t be alarmed. This happened approximately 2.5 years ago.

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Being open to a relationship doesn’t mean…

“Being open to a relationship doesn’t mean just my legs.” – Me

Yep, I totally thought that line up all by myself. Feel free to quote me as I think there is some truth to it.

Excuse me while I take a break from wading through the bottom feeders.

I’m clearly lost.

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Eww, Creepy Old Men

Age is just a number right? Well…sometimes.

When it comes to dating you can’t really help who you are attracted to but when it comes to online dating you can definitely narrow your search. I’m talking about age restrictions here. That being said, I try not to narrow mine too much because what if the person for me just had a birthday which puts him just over my age restrictions.

I’ll put it out there, I’m 33. I have my age restrictions set usually between 27 and 43. Usually by age 27 some men start to mature and may have a child or two. This would give him a greater understanding as to what my world is like.

As for 43, I’m starting to think I should lower it. My original reason for going that high was seeing some male profiles where the men look really good for their age, as well we had a few things in common that didn’t consist of sitting in front of some kind of screen. I made it so that if these men wanted to contact me, they could. To my surprise (and later dismay) some of them actually did.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to properly describe how I feel about these men after short conversations. First, I get bored fast because they tend not do much other than work, watch TV and go to bed early. It’s like their list of interests are just that, interests. Not things that they actually do. Hmm… Then, the conversation quickly changes to have heavy sexual undertones. Nothing “bad” actually said but mentioning that having a partner to help keep me up at night would be a good idea was kind of creepy. (Associated with the part of a conversation about my staying awake that night so I could sleep during the day for my midnight shift the next night.)

After a few of these undertones I stop responding as it clearly wasn’t a mistake.

I wasn’t in a good mood when one of these men sent one of those messages so I responded with:

“I can read between the lines and I clearly see what you’re really looking for.”

His response, “I can clearly see you’re a bitch.”

Really….maybe I am a bitch, or maybe he didn’t like that I wasn’t going to play his game. There are women out there that will be his toy and  it sure as hell wasn’t going to be me. Oh…and we can’t forget how mature his response actually was/wasn’t being 10 YEARS older than me.

I’m starting to think I should get more cats and invest in Duracell.

——————————

Upon reflecting while writing this post I have changed my highest age restriction to 40. I’ve now weeded out the creepy “old” men, now if only the Just Creepy ones had it tattooed on their forehead.

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Part 4: Mr. Multiple Underlying Issues

I want to go back to the part where I said my mind was reeling over the last day and couple weeks. It was right after he had shown a pic of him and his ex together and proclaimed that he thought I looked like her. It’s easier and faster to kind of look at it in flack backs.

After I had added him to Facebook he mentioned to me he liked my older pictures where my hair was lighter. I didn’t think anything of if since I like my hair better that way too.

A week before I was to arrive in Ottawa I tried to lighten my hair with a box dye because I really wasn’t digging the dark brown. It didn’t work and I told him this.

Almost the first thing Sam said to me when I arrived was, “Your hair doesn’t look like it’s lighter.”

……….guess who else has lighter hair? Hmm…yep.

I’ve tried to bounce this off some people I know, mainly men at work or male friends. Most of them think the pic is ok UNTIL I tell them Sam only dated the chick for 3 months (until he caught her cheating) 2 years ago. Then they start thinking it’s a little fucked up. One male even commented that he thought it sounded like Sam was trying to relive his memories with me.

Then we add in the strange conversation about his banging an old woman…which I’m starting to think didn’t happen last Christmas, rather the one that had just passed. Who really knows and I’m Not going to ask. As well as the “turning me on” comment and evidence of it at the POF event. That was just wrong on so many levels.

You all who read this, I really want to know what you think about this.

————————

As I ended Part 3 I mentioned I hadn’t heard from Sam in a couple days. I was letting things settle yet I missed him. I was seriously weighing the pros and cons and wondering if I had over-reacted. I cared about him but did I just feel sorry for him or did I want to be with him? He truly does want a relationship with someone and eventually have a child….but it’s not going to be with me.

The first text from his is a picture of a snack we had talked about at one point but wasn’t too familiar with it. A bit random..but I guess he’s good at that.

I was busy making cookies with my son so my answers were short. I’m guessing he was taking my short answers as being too serious as he tells me “sometimes ur to serious” and that he was “just making a suggestion”.

“I’m too serious. Nice.” I replied.

“Just being honest, u need to relax and mellow out a bit.”  Thanks..now I’m annoyed.

I reply, “Do we really want to start listing flaws?” I’m trying to be civil and it looks like he’s trying to pick a fight.

“It seems to me u like to dish it out but u dont like hearing it. So if it makes u feel better than Go for it, but u would only be validating my comment sweetie ;)

Sweetie… he knows I don’t like that. I prefer someone to use my name. He’s acting like a jerk on purpose so I ask the next logical question.

I text, “Are you drunk?”

“Haha, nope! But nice come back…”

Ok, I’ve had enough. I didn’t ask for this. I’ll give him what he wants so he can have a reason to hate me.

“Ahh, so this why people block you after the fact. You turn into an ass. I had hoped to remain friends but I guess not.” We all know I could have said A LOT worse!

“U just couldnt help ur self now could u. How would u know, did u stock everyone ive been chatting with?”

I’m guessing this is in reference to me checking out the welfare bum he dated back in September. It was on his Facebook and he kept mentioning her all the time..and Not the same one he compared me to. I told him I looked and was honest about it.

“Are you done?” I replied.

“No, one last thing. Drop ur bitchy attitude and maybe u have a decent relationship…now i am done. Don’t txt me unless u want to apologize for over reacting!!” And there it is…

“Good luck in the future,” I reply.

End Drama. Please. I checked Facebook and he had already blocked me. Cool. I won’t be subjected to anything on there.

———————

When I first met him I kept wondering how he was single. He has a decent personality, he looks good, works out, works for the government, his own place and car. What is wrong with this man?

I get it. I SO Get It.

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Part 3: Mr. Multiple Underlying Issues

I’m pretty quiet on the bus ride to the area where the POF event is being held. We get there and as I mentioned in my review of the event, it was PACKED! The first thing I did was get a drink, a wonderfully made Caesar, of which was gone in probably a minute. I get another, Sam has his beer and we find a spot to stand near the dance floor.

I’m starting to get into the music a bit and trying to forget the bullshit from earlier. I explained in the review that it was an older crowd at this event. Most of which were a lot older than us. There were some tables close to us and at one of them has a couple making out. The couple looked to be in the early 60s.

If one were to describe them I would accept sweet or cute. Sam turns to me and says, “That’s turning me on.”

I laugh and say, “You’re joking right?”

He says, “I’m not joking, ” and points down to the front of his pants. Oh my god…I’m not drunk enough for this.

Where the hell did the sweet, caring, NORMAL man go that I had initially met? All of a sudden he’s showing pics of other chicks, banging biddies, comparing me to an old ex, and being turned on by people who could be my grandparents? Am I being Punked? Seriously! Where is the freakin’ camera?

I slam back my second drink and get another. It’s while waiting on my third drink that I overhear the conversation I mentioned at the end the review I wrote in another post. Sam had gone to check out some of the art work (which was actually quite decent) and I went back to our spot. All of a sudden he comes back and and says, “Did you see that?”

“See what?”

“This chick took a sip of my beer and gave me a kiss.”

“…ok?”

Then he proceeds to try and make out with me right then and there. Umm…no. I have no desire for this man to touch me. No way!

After this I start thinking that perhaps the reason he wanted me to come this event was to show the Ottawa women that he could get chick. The alcohol is not helping to quell my anger. Well duh. I find myself getting more and more pissed off. I knew I had to leave. We had only been there for about an hour but end up staying for 2 hours. We did slow dance to a couple dances and he held onto me as if it were the last thing he was going to do. I didn’t know if he was showing off or was just that into it.

The bus ride back was very quiet. If I had not been drinking that night I would have driven the 3 hours home. I changed into my pajamas (which I hadn’t worn all weekend so far) and sit on the couch expecting to talk.

Sam changes as well then picks up his cat, sits down beside me and says in his high pitched baby talk voice, “CatsName, how can we make MyName feel better?” More than once he said this as I refused to respond to a grown man who wasn’t actually talking to me.

We went to bed. I shared his bed but I would not let him touch me. I laid there until almost 5am thinking about everything. Sam has issues. Multiple underlying issues.

In the morning Sam gets up before me and makes coffee but doesn’t seem to want to talk about the night before.

I speak up and say, “Are we going to talk about last night like adults?”

And so we talk, kind of. He’s stuck on how he doesn’t understand why I’m upset about the ex comparison. Twice during the conversation he had to go to the bathroom but I don’t really think he was actually using it. From other conversations we had had about his work and from the one I was trying to have with him I definitely felt Sam has an issue with face to face confrontations. I wasn’t raising my voice and I had him confirm that I wasn’t.

As much as my mind kept wanting to focus on the bad I tried to compliment him as well. I told him I appreciated all the things he did like cooking and that I thought he was a terrific lover. I just can’t get passed all the weird shit that had happened that weekend. I even left/hid $100 in cash under his clothes to help pay for all the extra groceries, etc that he had bought for my arrival.

When I went to leave I did give him a hug and a kiss. I was sad and still am since I had started caring for Sam. He said he hoped I would change my mind once I had more time to think about it all. Later that night I logged into POF because I had gotten a message from that guy I mention in the review. I also saw that Sam was online. I deleted my account. I didnt/don’t want to deal with that crap right now.

He wished me Happy Birthday on Tuesday morning, my actual birthday. I thanked him and that was the last I heard from him until today. It had been 2 days since my birthday. I had missed our communication but I wanted to let things settle before I sent a message.

Sam’s attitude was a bit different this time though…

Soon Part 4, last one I swear!

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Part 2: Mr. Multiple Underlying Issues

The big weekend finally comes and we are both super excited. I arrive shortly after 5pm on the Friday and everything seemed as it should. Sam cooked me dinner and even baked a pie, store bought, but still, the thought is what counted here. He had even picked up a case of 4 of my favorite vodka coolers.

I have to mention that Sam has a cat. He is very fond of his cat and I think he may spend a little to much time alone with him. To the point where he may baby talk in a high pitched voice to the cat A LOT. It was something I tried to ignore and thought maybe he was just trying to get the cat to be comfortable with me being in his apartment. Maybe…

After dinner we decide it would be fun to visit the Adult Fun Superstore (AFS) as I had never been to one before. We probably spent a good hour browsing the store and I was quite surprised at how busy it was on a snowy Friday night in Ottawa.

After getting back we settled in for a cozy night together. I got into the coolers and Sam into his beer. We got to talking about the POF event he suggested we go to. He told me he went to the one in December because he was meeting someone there. He said it was lucky for me that it didn’t work out because he was able to meet me. He then pulled out his phone and proceeded to show me the woman’s picture. Hmm…odd. I shook it off because the pic was on POF, not on his actual phone. We had both hidden our profiles at this point but not yet deleted them. We had talked about it though.

The next morning Sam made breakfast for us and we laid around until noon before getting ready to go out. The plan for the afternoon was go skating on the canal but the weather wasn’t co-operating. It was a mix of rain and snow. Yuck! The hockey game Sam wanted to see was starting at 3:30pm and we were at the pub for 2pm. The place quickly was packed with hockey fans. Many drinks were had although I never really got drunk due to how busy the place actually was. I guess I could have ordered two at a time but that wouldn’t have been very classy, now would it? :P

Now, speaking of class. At one point Sam turns to me during one of the intermissions and asks, “What’s the oldest you’ve been with?”

I reply, “Do you mean the oldest I’ve had sex with?”

He nods.

I reply, “36 or 37, I believe.”

“Oh,” then turns to watch the game.

You can’t just ask a question like that and leave it like that…so I ask…a couple times…what was with that? So I ask him, “What’s the oldest you’ve been with?”

He shakes his head as if he doesn’t want to answer.

I decide to throw a number out so I say, “50?”

He looks at me and gestures with his thumb pointing up, indicating older. Umm..what?

He never did give an exact age but I’m going to guess 55ish. He explained that he was lonely last Christmas and had gone to a bar for a few drinks. He met this woman and she was hot despite her age and ended up taking her home with him. Nice…

First off I’m wondering why I need to know all this. We’ve all had past lovers, but I really didn’t need to know this. Second, I’m a little grossed out, just a little. That was pretty freakin’ random…or so I thought.

We go back to watching the game and thankfully our food came around that time. I shook off the odd conversation and went back to having a good time. Senators won so everyone was happy and there were no riots in the street. I say that since the you could have sworn it was a play off game on how packed this place was!

We got back to his place approximately 7pm and as we’ve had drinks all afternoon we decide to have a little nap before the POF event. Nap, sex, whatever. It was all in there.

Later, we are showered and getting ready to go out, hanging around his computer listening to music on YouTube. We’re having a couple drinks and I see him clicking around on his desktop. He pulls up a picture of himself and another woman and says, “Hey, do you think you look like her?”

I don’t really want to ask this question but I have to, “Is she your ex?”

“Yep.”

“No, I don’t think I look like her, ” I replied.

“Well, I think you do.”

What.The.Fuck!?! I’m thinking this isn’t really happening. No, he didn’t just do and say that. My brain kicks into overdrive and I start wondering if this whole time (the 8 months to a year we’ve been chatting on POF) that he’s thought I look like his ex and that’s the only reason why he wanted to meet me.

Ok, so I’m a little ticked off. I tell him that I didn’t think that was appropriate. Sam then tells me it’s his last ex from 2 years ago that he dated for only 3 months. (3 months!) He apologizes but he doesn’t see to understand why I’m upset.

I go and sit in the living room and pretend I’m checking Twitter on my phone. No, I’m actually reeling back the last day and couple weeks in my head…and I’m not happy with what I discover.

In this time he gets his coat and boots on because he thinks we’re still going out. I get the idea in my head that perhaps more alcohol will tame my exploding mind and ease my anger.

Yeah, that’s always a good idea….right? Wrong.

Stay tuned for Part 3…

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